SELF ESTEEM

HOW TO BUILD SELF CONFIDENCE

By Sven Grahn
The author has used his best efforts in preparing this material; he shall not be liable for any loss or damage. The opinions in this book are not considered professional advice. The reader is responsible for their own actions.
 This Post has being written to help those who are prepared to work on their self-esteem, and to move away from just being average. This article should give you the kick start to a better self worth.
How well or not so well we have done in past situations will definitely affect our self esteem. This results in how we feel about ourselves. Some times we put so much pressure on ourselves to perform to a set standard, that if we don’t attain that standard, we feel that we have failed.

We are heavily influenced by the society we life in. If we live in a society that places heavy value on winning at all cost, we will loose sight of the fact that we can value ourselves even when we don’t always win. It is very important to realise the fact that we can feel good about ourselves, regardless of making mistakes of failing.
Society has moved away from the fact that we are all just human and are to be valued as such. That’s why there is so much prejudice and hatred in the world today. We don’t always have to prove our worth. Unfortunately, we spend so much time and effort in doing just that and usually miss the basic fact that we okay, just the way we are.
NOTE: Be aware that when we are dependent on some one else’s approval, we are placing all our value in there hands. Be a slave to no-one.
How can we go about to recover our self worth or confidence? I say recover because we are not born that way. Just have a look at children, they are so content in who they are. They do not even have to question their self worth.
There are a number of things we can do:
LIST
First we need to make a list of the things that we like about ourselves, and do well, this often helps us to see that we are not all bad. By doing this, you will feed a positive signal to your brain.
Example:
Things I've done that I feel proud of.....What I like about myself is.....
My favourite things are.....My favourite songs are.....What I want from a relationship is.....
Some things that I'd like to do in my life are.....Some things that I'd like to do in the next year are.....
Speak to a trusted friend/family and share with them what you want to achieve with this information you are about to read. If they are true friends, they would be only to glad to help you.
 If we are constantly attempting things that are difficult, it can lead to inadequacy. I am not saying that you must not try anything new or not to stretch yourself, but sometimes we can stretch so far, we lose our balance and fall over and hurt ourselves, then stop altogether.
Try and do one of the things you do well everyday, it may sound simple but I can assure you it does work. Then maybe once a week try something you have not done before.
Example:
Start a conversation with a stranger. Say something like this: “Hello, lovely day today, then wait for response. Most people will respond positively. If they want to speak more, fine, keep it simple, but if they don’t, then that’s fine at least you have done something you have not done before. The next time it will be easier. If you have nothing to speak about, start by reading up on things that affect our daily lives. E.g. magazines and news papers.

NUGGET: GROWTH COMES FROM BUILDING ON YOUR TALENTS AND STRENGTHS, NOT ALWAYS TRYING TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS

Step One
1: Negative voice (Inner critic)
What do I mean by this term, simply this - we all have this inner thought process that either condemns or  praises us. There is an age old proverb that says “you are what you think”
There is a real battle is our minds (read my post on oranges and apples) and if not controlled will lead us in every which way it chooses. We must take back control OF OUR THOUGHT LIFE. (You can not stop the birds from flying over your head, but you can stop them from nesting there).
Thoughts do come, but we choose to keep them in our minds.
I know this is easier said than done but we have to start somewhere, and if we persist with the process, we will start to see the affect sooner than later.When I was in my teens and early twenties, I had  very low selfconfidence; I avoided groups of people, in fact could only feel comfortable with one person at a time, and had to be male, as I was petrified around girls. Today 30 odd years later, I have been married for 27 years, have three lovely daughters, and seven grand- children. I regularly speak to large audiences, in fact spoken to audiences in many countries, on motivation.
How did I do it you may ask? Simply started to believe in myself by doing these very principles I am sharing here.Yes there are some of you, who will need professional help in this area, but on the whole this has an impact, it is a starting point.

NUGGET: CHANGE HOW YOU THINK; YOU WILL CHANGE YOUR DESTINY.

There are many thought processes that go through our minds and can not list them all but here are a few which will give you an idea how to put into practice.
NOTE: Just telling yourself not to think a thought does not work, because by so doing, you thinking that thought again and it starts to multiply, the thought needs to be replaced. (oranges and apples)
Example one:
You have just finished a speach; People came and said that it was informative and they enjoyed it
Your thoughts may go like this: #I can’t believe this! Surely they could hear the mistakes I made; besides I left so much out. They are just  being kind.
Replace with:
Wow, people really enjoyed the talk. So what if I made mistakes and left things out, only I know about it anyway.
Example two:
They walked right passed me without greeting. I just know they don’t like me.
Replace with:
I wonder why they did not greet, maybe did not even see me, When I see them again I will ask them. Say something like this: Hey you must have been deep in thought the other day, walked passed me and did not hear my greeting.
Example three:
I've been turned me down for a date. I will never get a boy/girl friend, no one likes me, and I will always be alone.
Replace with:
Ouch that hurt; okay they did not want to go on a date, obviously not their type. This does not mean  no one will. I know I will find some one. I will keep trying.
Example four:
You have just failed an exam, I can’t do this, don’t understand anything in this class. I am such an idiot.Who am I fooling; I think I’ll just pack this up now.
Replace with:
So what if I have failed this one, I have done well on all the others tests, sure there are some things here I  don’t understand but not going to allow that to stop me from my goal.
The only thing that will stop you from achieving you goal is your thoughts and emotions
Remember, this is the starting process, be careful that you don’t start to argue with yourself, and accomplish nothing.
Step Two
For many, the reason their self esteem is in need, is due to how others have treated them in the past. The second step will be to start treating yourself as a worthwhile person.
1: Self nurture:
Get enough sleep, take regular exercise, eat healthy and DON’T STARVE yourself, practice good hygiene.
One of the most harmful things I have seen is when someone is in a low state of self worth, they don’t eat properly. Make the effort and eat, it does wonders on its own.
Plan good things for yourself: Go to a movie, plant a garden, buy a pet, or watch your favourite T V show.
2: Reward yourself: (This is has helped many people)
Think of the accomplishments you have made recently and reward yourself with something.
3: Remind yourself of strengths:
Not only have a list of the things you do well, but keep a diary of your accomplishments and read often.
4: Forgive yourself: very important.
Forgive yourself when you fail, you are only human; Rome was not built in a day. It took years to get into this state, and will take time to recover.

NUGGET: THE MOST NATURAL THING TO DO WHEN YOU FALL DOWN IS TO GET UP.

Fake it sometimes:
Even when you think you don’t deserve praise, praise yourself anyway, slowly you will come to believe it.
Don’t be alone:
One of the things you tend to do when in this state, is to be alone for long periods. This must be avoided at all cost; we need loving caring folk to help get us out. Yes avoid loud, self-centred people and seek out those who will listen and help.
IMPORTANT NOTE: No one wants to listen to your story all the time, even those good friends will grow weary, so avoid talking about yourself all the time. Listen to your friends as well. This will bring about a relationship; and this on its own can be a tremendous boost to our self esteem.

NUGGET: THE BEST HELPING HAND IS FOUND AT THE END OF YOUR ARM

The only thing that will stop you from achieving you gaol is your thinking.
Here is a summary of what I have been sharing with you:
1) Listen and improve your self talk;
2) If you have a tendency to put yourself down or call yourself names: replace these with positive statements.
By stopping negative self-talk in its tracks, you are taking your first steps to having a good self-esteem.
3)Recognize your accomplishments.
4)Make a list of your accomplishments, even the small ones; they will have a special value to you. By
 recognizing your accomplishments, you will start to feel good about yourself.

Start to stretch yourself slowly:
Try to do things you have not done before. Take small steps first.
Develop tolerance:
When you learn to tolerate yourself you will have tolerance for others. Nobody is perfect, we all make mistakes.
Surround yourself with positive friends:
Listen to your friends, if they put you down or belittle you, you need to cut that friendship. There are others that will encourage you. You may have had good friends but because you have wearied them by constantly speaking about yourself and your problems, if this is the case, get in contact with them again and ask for forgiveness and tell them that you are in the process of building your self worth and would appreciate their positive input.What I have found sometimes is that after giving sound advice to someone, they have not bothered to try and put advice into practise, but keep coming back with same problems. So be aware of this. Listen to good advice and do it.

NUGGET: WHEN YOU REFUSE TO CHANGE: YOU END UP IN CHAINS.

Thank you for taking the time to read this material.
Enjoy your new found freedom.  For more resouces on relationships http://www.svenwgrahn.com/